THE DREAM HAS DIED (it's being wheeled into the ER right now!)

Well it turns out there is an expiration date for dreams. Let this be a lesson to you kids: DON'T TRY TO MAKE A LIVING AS A MUSICIAN. People say they like music, but the truth is nobody wants to hear you fucking play some idiotic piece of shit you came up with on your guitar. Just because there's a minor 7th chord doesn't fucking make you Thelonius Monk.

I have at least one piece of evidence to support my assertion that nobody gives a fuck about music anymore: because most places don't even bother to have PA systems for musicians to use! If that's not damning evidence, then I don't know what is.

So...let's summarize.

In order to have a successful career as a musician, you must:

1: Practice obsessively for the rest of your miserable life in order to sound good.

B: Amass tens of thousands of dollars of musical and sound reinforcement equipment in order to play gigs like a true professional, in the process, pissing off your partner who wonders secretly why you need to have "so much shit"


3: Find a woman(or man..whatever you're into.) that is going to be patient enough to put up with your bullshit while you work some shit job, and when you're not working, obsessing over some tiny fucking detail that nobody will probably hear anyway, besides your music coach, which will make you feel completely inadequate, thereby causing you to practice more and subsequently piss off your partner even more.


2: Try to find other people to play with that aren't huge fucking chemical liabilities and that have normal, human sized egos..

3: Attend a prohibitively expensive music school on the east coast, because that's where "real musicians" go, which is most likely filled with the offspring of the nouveau riche and old European nobility, who have never had to work a fucking day in their priveleged shit lives, and are most likely just pissing away a good opportunity because they don't know what else to do with their priveleged asses.

4: Slog your ass through countless bands that suck balls but think they're the next fucking Metallica/Modest Mouse/Animal Collective... etc..

D: Make sure to develop a highly refined taste for music that only you know, because in your head you think you're the coolest fucking thing to ever happen because you listen to some fucking stupid indie band called "Sick Pony" or something, (Dislcaimer: I do not actually know if "Sick Pony" is an actual band, and if they do exist, I used this name only for hypothetical and entertainment purposes, and mean no disrespect towards this fine outfit)

2: Pretend to live the "rock and roll lifetsyle " but in reality you will most likely end up living in some shit 3rd floor walk up filled with drug addicts, which in a way, is kind of rock and roll!

1: Inadvertently develop a crippling drug and alcohol dependency that you keep hidden from other people, laying awake early in the morning, praying for sleep to come, and loathing yourself while you do one more eyeball shot of vodka and another bong hit of Stevia and weed..

F: Develop a personality that outwardly is humble and gregarious, but when you get people alone you turn into a ADD afflicted douchebag that wears sunglasses inside, at night, in front of your friends, while you point out to them why they're such douchebags.

A: Seriously, you must develop your douchebaggery if you want to really be a real rock star. Also, make sure that you're condescending an judgmental towards your coworkers and friends

3: Gay bashing is always a good musician thing to do!

1: Never seriously get good on your instrument. Nobody appreciates a wise ass.

K: Foster an adversarial relationship with local law enforcement. FUCK THE MAN!

3: Leave behind a trail of failed relationships and unfulfilled debt obligations.

Finally, make sure that every decision you make career wise is the wrong decision. Wait a minute....